There's nothing more heartbreaking than looking at a pregnancy test that shows just one blue line month after month. You start to wonder what's wrong with yourself. Maybe you wait six months or a year before you decide that it's time to consult a fertility specialist. It's a difficult decision because now you are admitting out-loud that something is not right. That's the first step of many on the emotional roller coaster ride of infertility.
It's not easy, and there's no right way to cope with it. You have to do what is right for you in your own time. Here are some ideas to think about and help you cope with the journey that lies ahead.
Learn About Your Infertility Diagnosis and Advocate for Yourself
Infertility strips you of so much. Feeling broken, less of a woman, and having guilt over not being able to give your husband a child are thoughts that ran through my head as I began a five-year journey through infertility. A few books changed my outlook from despair to possible. Inconceivable: A Woman's Triumph over Despair and Statistics (Broadway Books, 2001) by Julia Indichova, and Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother (Bloomsbury USA, 2007) by Peggy Orenstein. You quickly learn that you do not have control of your own body, which in itself is frustrating beyond belief, but educating yourself and reading about other women who braved the journey and made it, is empowering. Learn as much as you can about the tests, protocols, medications, side effects, and different procedures that are available. Don't be afraid to ask questions, and if you don't like the answers, get a second opinion, or a third!
We saw a reproductive endocrinologist at a reputable clinic who – after blood work, tests that take away all your dignity, rounds of Clomid, two natural cycles and four cycles of Artificial Insemination – refused to perform IVF (invitro fertilization) on me without using donor eggs. High FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) was the diagnosis, diminished ovarian reserve which is basically poor quality and quantity eggs. He had given us a less than 2% chance of conceiving.
Feeling defeated, I turned to the web for answers, support, or a silver lining in this horrible prognosis. There are many wonderful online support groups and forums for women going through infertility. It's on one of the online support forums, Network 54, for women who had been diagnosed with High FSH, that I found a fertility specialist, Dr. Jerome Check, Medical and Laboratory Director at Cooper Institute for Reproductive Hormonal Disorders who did not balk at my FSH level of 38. Peri-menopausal as my other doctor branded me since the level for child-bearing years is usually less than 9 milli-international units per milliliter (mIU/ml), according to the Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago (AFCC). With a new-found hope for a chance of motherhood, the blood work and tests began again. It's during this time that the physical pokes and prods were not as painful as the emotional wounds that started to form.
To Share or Not to Share Your Infertility Struggle, Is a Difficult Question
At first we told our friends and family of the battle we were fighting with infertility. With much needed support also came some well-intentioned advice to "just relax and it will happen" or "look into the adoption process and you'll wind up getting pregnant", or even better, "if you don't have children, think of all the money you'll have to do whatever you want with". Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but again, sometimes when people don't know what to say, they unintentionally make a situation bleaker. If you do decide to tell everyone what you are going through, make sure you're prepared for unsolicited advice. If you decide not to share your situation, that's fine too. Don't feel guilty about your decision. It's yours to make.
Another difficulty that came along with sharing our life of infertility was having to explain the failed cycles. We were so excited that our new RE was willing to proceed with IVF with my own eggs, or should I say, egg, that I wanted to tell anyone who was willing to listen. We went to retrieval with the prospect of just one egg. It was retrieved, and then they performed a day 3 transfer. Hopes were high once again. Now came the torturous two-week wait, only to hear that our beta results were negative. Now we had to explain to everyone we told about the procedure that we were not pregnant. Saying it over and over again was draining.
Handling Family Functions While Thinking About Your IVF Battle
Do what you can, not what people expect. If you receive an invitation to a friend's baby shower, and the thought of sitting through it hurts, don't go. Friends are friends for a reason. They are supposed to be the ones you lean on in bad times and enjoy in the good times. If the thought of pretending to be happy at Christmas dinner with the family is weighing on you, go, but cut your evening short. The saying, "Until you walk a mile in my shoes ..." is so appropriate.
Strategies for Coping with the Emotions of Infertility
Scream, cry, laugh, rant and rave! There's no textbook way to get through this – no right or wrong way to handle a situation. If you need to cry, cry! If you need to take a break, take one. It doesn't mean you're not strong enough, nor does it mean you failed. It means you're human. You're not alone, even though it may feel that way at times. We took a six-month break after our first failed IVF attempt in February 2007. I needed to pick up the pieces. I had to rid my daily vocabulary of words like follicles, stim meds, and internal ultrasounds.
With renewed strength, but the dread of climbing into the roller coaster car again, we began our second IVF attempt with Dr. Check. We again went to retrieval with only the prospect of one egg which other doctors would not even consider doing. It was retrieved, transferred, and two weeks later on August 28, 2007 we got the news that I was pregnant! Cautiously optimistic was how I lived each day of my pregnancy. The worry, anxiety and stress of all we had endured to reach this point was always present in the back of my mind.
Ask for Help From Family, Friends and Fertility Therapists
Don't shut the world out, especially your husband. Easier said than done, for sure. Talk and explain how you are feeling. It's just as difficult for them as it is for you, just in a different way. They are watching the one they love get poked and prodded, shot up with all kinds of mood-altering meds, deal with disappointing news, and all the while they are standing by helpless. Support each other and don't lose the reason you two got married. A fertility counselor can also help you sort through the myriad of feelings swirling in your head. Getting an impartial opinion on the situation from someone who is not a friend or family member was refreshing.
Acupuncture, Vitamins, and Fertility Massages, Oh My!
Don't stop living and explore new things. Infertility can consume you before you even realize it's happened. Keep filling your glass with whatever brings happiness and strengthens you. You'll need it when each cycle begins. So, pamper yourself! Try alternative therapies which are both relaxing and aid in general well-being. Get a massage! Besides helping you de-stress, it may also aid in improving fertility.
Schedule an acupuncture session. "Acupuncture is one of the most widely recognized and successful methods of alternative treatment in the world," states Eileen Chen, a graduate from the renowned Shanghai University of Traditional Chinese Medicine who now specializes in women's health and fertility. Many fertility clinics will recommend local acupuncturists that specialize in treating infertility; mine did. Although being stuck with needles from head to toe does not sound like fun, it is actually very relaxing. Fire cupping is also a method of detoxification that many acupuncturists perform in conjunction with needles.
Vitamins, nutritional supplements and certain foods are also said to increase fertility and general well-being. Wheatgrass is a food that comes up often on the high FSH websites and many women claim to have success using it. Personally, my FSH level was lower than usual when taking it. Don't get me wrong, it's not the most appetizing or visually appealing, but anything that could help in reaching my goal of mommyhood was worth a try.
According to Spence Pentland, a registered Acupuncturist and Chinese medicine practitioner with the College of Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioners and Acupuncturists of BC, some nutrients and supplements for fertility and IVF are as follows:
- Amino acids
- Vitamins A, C and E
- Beta carotene
- Vitamins B1, B2, B5, B6, and B12
- Folate (folic acid)
- Iron
- Magnesium
- Selenium
- Manganese
- Zinc
- Coenzyme Q10
- Essential fatty acids
Pentland further goes on to explain that you should consult with "someone who understands or can test for deficiencies, so a tailored program can be set out for you."
Once you conceive, be prepared to answer questions like, were they natural? Especially if you have multiples. You want to say, um … as opposed to being hatched? Be true to yourself, and not to others beliefs. The reality is, it's your reality, and you don't owe anyone an explanation you're not capable of giving.
Named after St. Jude, Patron of Hopeless Cases, not the Beatles song, Jude Thomas Stout was born on April 30, 2008. He is a testament to the fact that anything is possible even if the odds seem insurmountable against you.
Stay busy, pursue your hobbies, and don't let your identity become infertility. Keep your head high, don't give up, and if you have to pursue other avenues to become a mother, your child will know that you went to great lengths to have him. Remember, infertility is what you have, not who you are!
Trenna Stout - A graduate of Trenton State College in NJ with a BS Degree in Education and a concentration in English with ten years experience teaching ...
Join the Conversation